The worst part of it all was how incredibly cute they were. No other words could describe these cute things. They were so cute. Goodness gracious, for the love of the sweet one, no one will hear me out. I am officially only allowed to call them cute. They have invaded my vocabulary.
I first began to see them, last winter. My little pup began itching a lot more often, too. They gave him fleas. The things would mew around my back yard, in unison. That was when they were cute.
Problems began when I had thrown out a plum that seemed to get moldy a little too soon. I saw one of the cute fuckers sniffing around it. So, what? A stray eating garbage. Nothing new. Cute. Strays already seem to take on a lot of filth. The cute thing picked it up, and brought it to its pals.
A week later, I think I saw the same one peering around. Crouching, hiding its face. It got cuter than the last time I saw it. If only you knew what I meant. I saw it when I was checking to see if my pup had gone yet. I saw the cute one kind of rise up and perch itself on a patch of mud. For some reason, my pup did not bark at it. He walked up to it. Sniffing.
My dog immediately lost his life. When I saw it, my mouth kind of opened up. I held my hands out, in front of me and wondered, "What the hell?". It looked directly into my eyes, in such a cute, cute way. I think it heard my thoughts. No, really. Heeeeeaaaaarrrd my thoughts. How cute can one cute thing be? I began to think that the cute critter was full of nothing more than, that's right- pure CUTE. That moldy plum really must have made it that much more cute. It ran off, in a cute hurry to join the rest of the cute ones.
As soon as I got inside, I scraped around for the yellow pages. Maybe animal control was the proper authority. Maybe just.. an exterminator. I dialed up the only one with an actual picture to accompany the number. On the line was some ditz asking too many specifics about the critters. I don't know. They would only understand if they saw them in person. A guy was on his way.
After that, I looked out and saw the one from before perched up again. This time, it was in front of the others like some type of drill sergeant. Mewing orders to the others. Ohhh Hell. This is not the case. No, not tonight.
The exterminator arrived. Some European guy with a toothpick in his mouth. Really just European. Not this hemisphere. He had a drowsy look in his eye, almost as if the only thing keeping him alive for the next 24 hours was whatever bogus fee he was going to charge me at the end of this. In his hand was a little toolbox, decorated with whatever the hell his people decorate stuff with. I was going to kill him, later on. So, I told him where those cute cute things were, and he just sneered. I was going to kill him, though.
That was when I got the idea. I actually did hate this guy, so I ran in the house and came out with two newly molded plums to throw at him. "Yeah, you creepy son of a bitch!". I really could not help it. As he violently turned around, the cutie cute cutes appeared at his heels. He was next. Totally did not mean for that to happen. I just did not like his damned fees. For the first moment, I laughed, but then I was horrified. I was in their path.
The first thing I thought about was escaping.. but the first thing that I did was just mutter "y-y'all guys are cute!". They have invaded my speech. I guess I was not next. I was the only person they could reach. Am I really that dumb? No, I can't be dumber than my dog.. No dumber that that guy. Right. What was the one thing we had in common? The plums. Of course. How stupid. How is that even possible? I don't know, but it sure as hell kept me alive.