Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Hot Date

[As seen projected in a large auditorium during Los Angeles's annual Symposium for the Advancement of Human Convenience]
Are you tired of all of these online dating websites and applications leading you... astray? Don't you want to find affection and genuine compatibility with a face that you feel like you can trust? Or maybe you don't feel like spending another lonely night without a new, exciting person to share your bed with?

Hi. I'm Lars Fague (pronounced like "vague") from Affection Incorporated, and I completely understand. That's why, with the help of a staff of highly knowledgeable engineers- some who are themselves customers, I have developed an all new program in the form of a brand new intuitive application, called FagueDate. With a monthly subscription, you can be a member of a new wave of people who are on their way to their own pure joy and amorous gratification!

In the most typical of coffee shops, two people- male and female- have just met in person for the first time after communicating on an older dating app produced by a popular internet interaction aggregator. The program, called "LettusMeat" is a quirky spin on the usual format for arranging dates between strangers that actually sets people up based completely upon restaurants and cafes that both participants frequent. The people in this particular instance are both wielding separate types of hot drink as they wrack their brains, desperately seeking valuable conversation. The female looks up to see a friend of hers at a table in a different section of the cafe. "Oh! There's one of my friends, she also comes here often". She quickly excuses herself and begins a hasty conversation with her friend: "Oh my god, this is fucking stupid. This guy is an idiot. He clearly used an old ass picture of himself and he keeps asking me if I've read something called The Carrier Dove Chronicles". Her friend peers over to look at the man, laughs, and says, "ohhh, Mel... Do you want me to help you? I can tell him that you're already taken.. that I'm your girlfriend". The woman, apparently named Mel, pauses. "Is it that bad?" she asks in a whisper. This particular moment is resolved by Mel walking to her date and apologizing, "I should get going.. Thanks for the coff-coff!". The two women walk outside to smoke and eventually agree to get drinks later on, to forget the ordeal.

On the walk to the bar from the parking lot, Mel and her friend were still kind of dwelling on the event. Her friend, whose name is now Lara or something continues to repeat the same information about an entirely separate dating service that she fully endorses: "I'm telling you, this one is legit. Do you remember Ving? That guy I went to see the Muzz show with? I met him on there". "Ving? was he the guy that wore the purple blazer that one time?"
"No, no. I don't know if you met him or not, let me see if I can pull up a picture of him."

The two spent about fifteen minutes or the duration of two cigarettes each trying to figure out if Mel remembered Ving.

"Well, anyway I met him on there."
"Are y'all still together?"

Later that night, Mel is three drinks deep and makes it home safely. Almost immediately, she plugs in her phone and after about an hour she remembers to search for that dating program that her friend suggested. She has almost completely forgotten its name at this point, Figuring it can't be that hard to find another decent dating application, she continues the search, This is how Mel found FagueDate.

My program is incredibly simple to use. If you are familiar with the modern standard for online dating, then you can basically pick up the concept in no time at all. However, what this extraordinary contribution to technology brings to the table is truly astonishing.
Sir! Come on up!
What do you look for in companionship?
Ha ha! I don't blame you!
And tell me, how often do you come across someone with these specific attributes on any of your previous dating websites, or.. even in person?
Allow me to unveil my creation before I get ahead of myself! Sir, take this device and scroll through this catalog of eligible companions picked from near, far, anywhere...
Found one?
Ok, now, here's what you do... Ok, fellas, bring it out!

Marcus just downloaded the application. He was anxious to scroll through the girls within the ten mile radius. Soon enough, there she was. The girl that asked him for the wi-fi password at the sandwich house. He clicked confirm and brought his tablet to the machine and plugged it in. Nearly two hours later, she was fully manifested. Printed out, lying on an aluminum slab. Later in the evening, Marcus would work up the nerve to touch her hair. Realistic.

It's specifically not a clone! She is not an automaton, nor is she a doll. It is very simple. You plug your phone or other device into your nearest 3D printer, and there you have it! Your perfect date. But tell me-  how many of you out there are just like me? I mean, to be honest, my taste in a partner tends to change with the season. Haha. Well, that's also not a problem- you have many options! Your FagueDate is made of a reusable material that you can easily place back into your machine to be used on your next companion!

Mel barely read the terms and conditions. She skimmed through the instructions and became quickly frustrated. Throughout the rough work week she had almost forgotten about the app in general. She dismissed the buzzes and beeps of the notifications, assuming they were just spam from having signed up and registering her information. Eventually, she realized it wasn't quite the service she was looking for. By Friday afternoon, it had been uninstalled.

Saturday is Lara night. That's when Mel and Lara go hard. Together, they're fierce and can't no one stop them because they're the most sassy and spicy chicks at the bar, or club, or whatever. They quickly seek out a small table in a corner of the room. They have their drinks: Mel has some kind of stout that she heard about a while ago, and Lara has a brown well drink that no one can remember the name of. For the first twenty minutes they're moderately self-conscious, which they subconsciously attribute to not having had enough drinks.

Mel excuses herself to buy something a bit stronger. On the way to the counter, she notices that guy from last week. That weird fucking chump. He is with some other girl that has her back turned to Mel's field of view. That guy's name is probably Ross or Russ, or Rust for that matter. Ross totally doesn't see Mel, so she avoids the situation and quickly approaches the bartender and orders drinks for Lara and herself. By the time she gets back to the table, Lara is talking to some guy. She is talking to literally the "some guy" you would expect Lara to be talking to. "Hey.. Who's this?," Mel politely asks as she hands off a drink to her friend. Lara replies, "This is Donegal, he just moved here. He was telling me about some [lame shit] he was working on". Of course Donegal has some vague, potentially fake accent and asks what Mel is drinking. She tells him, but cannot be heard at this point in the night. He points to his drink and offers a taste. "It's called Scary Garrett's Three-horned Cider". She peacefully declines the sip and continues to drink her own.

The trio hang out for a moment; they are each making pretty lackluster jokes, talking about some compelling drama series, and explaining the phrase, "on fleek" or some shit, After a while, Lara and Donegal are basically competing to see who is louder, funnier, and more provocative. Mel is a little bit more reserved than the two, but she still chimes in on a few gross topics to prove that she has a similar sense of humor. They are having a great time. At one point, Donegal looks at his phone and blurts out something about a friend of his that is supposed to be here, on a date. Mel doens't think twice about the statement and jokingly asks if they met online. "Yeah, something like that," he says, as he recedes from the table and begins looking for his friend. A moment later, Mel hears his stupid accent shouting, "yo, Russ! Get over here, mon!". She immediately gets a stomach ache but realizes that there's nothing she can do. Lara is already fairly deep and probably couldn't retain the situation enough to offer any help. Mel is ready to sprint to the bathroom, just as Donegal arrives at the table. He starts waving his friend over. At first, Mel is moderately embarrassed, until she looks at the girl that Russ is courting. She is horrified to realize that his date is an exact replica of herself.

Eventually, what we want to do is create a fully customisable personality based on your own preferences. Full conversation. No conversation.

Also, I would like it to be known that this plot is entirely independent of the whole sex doll or robot thing. I know those stories exist, but I have not been directly exposed to any of those previous works and I don't find any particular interest in that area of fiction.

Marcus spent that night tearing that ass up. He originally tried to feign an actual courtship in the confines of his bedroom, but the idea that no one was watching him had overtaken his thought process. That night, he stayed up until about 4 am enjoying an entirely unique situation in which he was free to act upon what was essentially a human being in any way he decided. I imagine it was either relatively gross or remarkably mild because of the kind of guy Marcus is.

Around 6 to 7 am, Marcus woke up and saw her stooped over the edge of the bed. He shouted, "oh my god!" and quickly got from beneath the covers. Hoping that he had simply forgotten the position she was last in, he gently put her back into bed. After putting her back, he plodded toward the bathroom. He took a urine, and realized he still had a potential hour or two left of sleep. When he got to his room, the synthetic woman was flailing across the room in several impossible postures for a real human being to be in. She knocked over his humidifier. Marcus, purely afraid of what he was witnessing, panicked and ran down his hallway- stubbing his toe in the process. For about half an hour he coward in the living room, nearly falling asleep until he worked up the courage to go back to his room/pleasure palace.

This time around, he watched the flailing body prance and spread its limbs to impossible lengths. Her fake bones had ripped through her vinyl flesh in some spots. Apparently, this copy had been constructed entirely wrong. Marcus approached the fidgeting body and she immediately turned her upside-down face directly at him. It immediately started to bubble and melt into a dark brown, reddish goop. Soon, the body became engulfed in flames and started popping and shrieking. The remaining skeleton of a face stared directly at Marcus, making what sounded like an attempt at speech, saying something like "Nektus grechtu eshtu" followed by more shrieks. Realizing he was not going to be able to put out this fire, Marcus attempted to escape from his second floor apartment.

When Marcus's body was found amongst the smoldering ash and bricks, the pieces of his skin that were not charred were covered with unexplainable lacerations that looked almost as if they were designed and etched by a computer.

Now, I ought to mention that in the early stages of this product, you may want to keep your date away from hot or moist environments. I know you may plan on getting steamy and that is fine, but please limit it to body or room temperatures! Haha, let's continue...

By this time, Mel is basically hysterical. I'm sure, to everyone else in the bar, it just looks like some intense drama is going on. Lara is shoving the nameless suitor and is confused as to whether or not she should shove the replica. The girls are yelling but can not find a proper conclusion to come to in this bizarre situation. Donegal is entirely confused, so he backs off and talks to people at a nearby table as an onlooker while he sips an "Angry Shelf Hot Hop Brash". The situation is intense, and you get the idea- the girls get kicked out and probably spend the next day regretting and commiserating. This is just one of the many stories that have happened here as a result of the Fague Experiment. I mean, all over this isolated college town, this kind of junk is going on.

...FagueDates should be released in its entirety this fall. Haha, just enough time for you to bring someone home to meet your parents on Thanksgiving. In the meantime, we will be doing test runs of the product in a few select cities. Join my mailing list for more details!

Theoretically, the story would end here. The rest is to further this story's association with previous stories of this season of Terror Keyboard

"So, Arnold, where were these two particular stories taking place, again?"

"Well this is isolated footage from the Groever Jurisdiction. I was responsible for following these characters specifically; I'm watching their individual experiences with the Fagues."

"Hah, I've been pronouncing Groever wrong this whole time."

"Yeah, it's understandable. 'Grevver' or 'Grey-ever'. It doesn't really matter. I mean these Fagues have proven to not really work. We're going to have to wipe out the rest of the subjects,"

"Makes sense. How?"

"What's gonna happen is that we're just going to round up them up in a concentrated area- heavy traffic or something and clear them out. I mean clearly these Beta versions are combustible, so we can use that. Just one major, slick event to rid this company of liability."

"Nice. Want to go play frisbee?"

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