I shuffle my feet and look across the horizon. The wind is so cold it nearly freezes my eyeballs. From my perspective, the water below is indistinguishable from the sky. This observation comforted me for a moment, but then I remembered my duty.
"No more funny business, I die today," I mumbled aloud.
I readied my feet to jump, and pushed off from the ledge. Both hands extended and loose, my body was welcoming the sweet release of death, like a vessel being carried to the other side.
On my way down, I remembered Carrie, and how horribly I had treated her. All of the heated arguments leading to physical abuse were my doing. How I wish I could take it all back. Her beautiful face, distorted by a scowling expression, still haunts me to this day.
I'm halfway down now, and the violent sound of uneasy waters fills my ears.
What was it she said to me that night? Time has muddled the details, but I remember the feeling. I remember the guilt and despair as she walked out my door. I remember her fingernails tearing open my flesh as she lashed out at me in tears. I remember the loneliness encompassing my body like water, surrounding me as I sank deeper.
I'm nearly at the bottom. Will it hurt? Will it even kill me? I pray it won't go as poorly as last time. Those few months ago when I stood alone in my apartment, quivering as I put a noose around my neck. It fit snug around my neck, burning the four slender wounds underneath. To think that I hung there for hours, slowly wriggling out of my poorly devised suicide plan.
Not this time. I'm going to die, leaving all else behind. Goodbye world. Goodbye wasted life, failed suicides, and...
Carrie.
I hit the water hard, linger underwater for a few moments, and eagerly emerge. "That was huge!" squeals my younger brother, brimming with excitement. My large splash impressed him, as it always does.
"Did Carrie see?" I exhale.
"No she ran inside. I think she scraped her knee."
"Is she hurt?"
"I don't know!" replies my brother, clearly annoyed.
She's hurt. But it will be years until it's me who hurts her. Years until she leaves her mark on my neck. It's those fingernails that make me kill myself.
Rock the pool.
fuck this is dumb.
"No more funny business, I die today," I mumbled aloud.
I readied my feet to jump, and pushed off from the ledge. Both hands extended and loose, my body was welcoming the sweet release of death, like a vessel being carried to the other side.
On my way down, I remembered Carrie, and how horribly I had treated her. All of the heated arguments leading to physical abuse were my doing. How I wish I could take it all back. Her beautiful face, distorted by a scowling expression, still haunts me to this day.
I'm halfway down now, and the violent sound of uneasy waters fills my ears.
What was it she said to me that night? Time has muddled the details, but I remember the feeling. I remember the guilt and despair as she walked out my door. I remember her fingernails tearing open my flesh as she lashed out at me in tears. I remember the loneliness encompassing my body like water, surrounding me as I sank deeper.
I'm nearly at the bottom. Will it hurt? Will it even kill me? I pray it won't go as poorly as last time. Those few months ago when I stood alone in my apartment, quivering as I put a noose around my neck. It fit snug around my neck, burning the four slender wounds underneath. To think that I hung there for hours, slowly wriggling out of my poorly devised suicide plan.
Not this time. I'm going to die, leaving all else behind. Goodbye world. Goodbye wasted life, failed suicides, and...
Carrie.
I hit the water hard, linger underwater for a few moments, and eagerly emerge. "That was huge!" squeals my younger brother, brimming with excitement. My large splash impressed him, as it always does.
"Did Carrie see?" I exhale.
"No she ran inside. I think she scraped her knee."
"Is she hurt?"
"I don't know!" replies my brother, clearly annoyed.
She's hurt. But it will be years until it's me who hurts her. Years until she leaves her mark on my neck. It's those fingernails that make me kill myself.
Rock the pool.
fuck this is dumb.
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